UC Berkeley is launching a new program for its incoming freshmen and transfer students: “AlcoholEdu for College - an online, non-opinionated alcohol prevention program.” The students must complete an exam before starting school this Fall and they have to score at least 70% to boot. It’ll be like DARE for big kids, and just as effective!

Berkeley Blogger Beetle, presumably not a freshman, has taken it upon himself to review the program. Following in the footsteps of great investigative journalists everywhere, he went undercover. Filling out the pre-exam survey, he developed a new persona:

I was a heavy drinker who had almost 10 drinks a day on weekends. In all, it was about 30 drinks a week. Last week was exceptional, though, when I had 25 drinks last Saturday. I have had no formal education on alcohol, and though I frequently have to take care of friends that have been drinking too much, I never look out for my friends’ safety while drinking.

I also claimed to have used the following in the past two weeks:

Marijuana
Cocaine (in some form)
MDMA (“Ecstasy,” “XTC” or “Adam”)
Methamphetamine (”Meth,” “Crystal,” “Crank,” “Ice,” or “Crystal meth”)
Rohypnol (“roofies”) or GHB
Ritalin®, Adderall®, or Cylert®, stimulants used to treat Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder that were not prescribed for you by a health care provider
LSD, “Acid” or psychedelic mushrooms

It wouldn’t let me claim to spend 24 hours a day drinking, so I claimed the maximum of 20 hours and 60 minutes. On the other hand, I drank my 25 drinks last Saturday over a period of 1 minute.

Stop laughing. You haven’t even gotten to the punchline. You’ll see when you read the entire thing.

Next, he tackled 20 pre-test questions (first 10, last 10):

3. If someone is headed for a potential overdose of alcohol, the first thing you should do is:

Everyone knows the answer is to “Lecture that person about the dangers of hangovers.” An overdose is no excuse to pass up an opportunity to prove you’re right. I would wait until after they overdosed, though, and lecture their comatose body, so since it suggested someone “headed” for a potential overdose of alcohol, I think I’ll guess “Find a source of caffeine, such as coffee.” That has to be healthy…

11. To decrease chances of overdosing on alcohol, one should:

Well, the real answer is to drink more, to dilute the alcohol already in your body, but that’s not an option. But I love coffee (see question 3), so I’ll say “Drink coffee before drinking alcohol.”

And that was that. Beetle was none too happy with the results from the pre-test. The real test is yet to come. Let’s see if Beetle’s drug-addicted freshman with a liver of steel is allowed entry to one of the best universities in the world. To find out, keep reading Beetle Beat.

Comedy Gold!