Love and marriage

By James Gallagher
11:00 AM, 2/15/2003

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day yesterday I would like to devote this column to something that is very dear to my heart: marriage. You see, shortly after graduation this year, I will be getting married to my high school sweetheart. In May of last year, I made “the biggest decision of my life,” and I proposed to my girlfriend here in the heart of Berkeley at Faculty Glade. It was the culmination of five years of joys, heartbreaks, growth, late-night, long-distance phone calls, and quite a few Valentine’s chocolates. After much thought and self-examination I had come to the conclusion that this was the woman for me, and I couldn’t have
been happier.

But when I got around to telling friends at Berkeley I was greeted with some awkward responses. Girls would usually begin by saying, “Oh, that’s so sweet, but I couldn’t imagine getting married so young.” Most guys were completely dumbfounded: “Married? Wow… I mean… Wow, that’s great man.” As much
as they seemed happy for me, there was a common feeling of dread at the utterance of the “M” word. It was cool for me to do, but they themselves could not even think about the word marriage.

“Why?” I thought. Isn’t marriage a beautiful thing that should be celebrated and looked upon in a positive light? And then it hit me: My generation is terrified of marriage. And who could blame them? After all they have grown up in a time period where over 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, ending in substantial angst and confusion. Moreover, false cultural expectations and an unrelenting attack by the radical Left upon traditional marriage have contributed to a negative perception of this institution.

I think the cause of broken marriages in our society is that many well-intentioned adults enter into marriage with a false perception of its character. Some think it is the ultimate stage of love and that once you marry the man or woman of your dreams, all problems cease to exist and you live the rest of your life in some enlightened bliss. Some think it is an open agreement that can be nullified whenever something or someone better comes along or things just aren’t working out. Others think it’s just a way to finally have sex and not feel bad about it. And some think a marriage can be whatever you want it to be.

Unfortunately, none of these perceptions are conducive to a lasting marriage. Problems will never cease to exist, and those who go into marriage believing that it is supposed to be all roses will be bitterly disappointed. And once their bubble is burst, these people tend to opt out. People with the “long as we
both shall love (as opposed to live)” mentality give up as soon as the attraction and newness starts to fade.

For them marriage is just like test driving a new car or trying on some clothes to see if they fit, they can easily cast it aside when it has lost its usefulness. Those who get married to have sex will find that marriage takes much more than a great love life, it takes communication and self-sacrifice as well. And those who make marriage whatever they want will eventually run out of ways to redefine their marriage.

Furthermore, the Feminists have told us that traditional marriage is an oppressive institution, just another way for men to keep women quiet and submissive. The truth is that Christian marriage does indeed call for women to submit, but it calls for husbands to submit as well – each sacrificing and seeking to provide for
the benefit of the relationship and the family. Such a relationship is far from oppressive. Verily, it is loving and beautiful.

Marriage is greatly different from these popular misconceptions. It is not enlightened bliss, it is not a tool of oppression, and it is not a contract with a release clause. Marriage is a commitment. It is the ultimate stage of love, but it is a self-sacrificial love, not a lustful love. It is commitment between a man and a woman to love and honor one another despite their faults, despite any rough times, despite losing feelings of attraction or love, and yes even when the sex may not be that great. It is denial of self; it is constantly sacrificing what may please you in order to please the other person. Everyone knows how to love themselves, everyone knows how to please themselves, but you can only really love someone else when you are willing to please that person more than you want to please yourself.

The problem is that many plan to go into marriage considering only what benefits the other person will bring, instead of thinking about how they can benefit the other person. And that’s the same way they tend to go out of marriage: thinking about themselves. Their needs are not being met, the other person isn’t as attractive as they once were, things aren’t what they expected them to be, something else looks or feels better, and its just easier to move on. People commit to one another, but they never make the transition from “me” to “us” and their marriages and families end up being the unfortunate victims.

Well I refuse to be such a victim. When I get married this summer, I will be making a commitment to my fiancé, to love her when there is prosperity and happiness, but also when there is turmoil and trials. I will promise to love her when she is at her best, but also when she is sick in bed, face flushed, with disheveled hair and a runny nose. It will no longer be about my goals, her goals or my career or her career, it will be about our goals, our career together. I will love her even when she may have done something to offend me and I don’t feel like loving her. Truly, I will love her even when it is not Valentine’s Day. And that, my friends, will be love in its truest of forms.