Berkeley prides itself on its nonconformist culture, and demands that all students adopt it. Facing a uniform wall of rebels marching in lockstep, staying conservative can be a challenge. But don’t worry; the California Patriot is here to help. Here are some tips to overcome some common issues that new students often face.

WHERE TO EAT

General guidelines: Berkeley is a unique place. It has many unique places to eat. Generally speaking, some will make you sick. But be assured, just as humanity has overcome the challenge of discovering which mushrooms are edible and which will turn your insides to jelly, you’re intestines will ultimately guide you.

If you’re used to popular American restaurant brands, you’re out of luck. Berkeley values ethnic or regional cuisine so the closest you’ll get to McDonald’s on Southside is Chipotle. Even the burger joint, Bongo Burger, is a Persian restaurant. But don’t let that stop you from trying their lamb Persian burger. Southside’s Durant Food Court, affectionately referred to as the “Asian Ghetto” by students, includes a variety of options like Mandarin House, Thai Basil, and the Korean BBQ known as Steve’s.

On Northside you’ll probably enjoy quieter surroundings but you will still have a quieter version of Southside’s “Asian Ghetto”. To the west of Cal is downtown Berkeley where McDonald’s fends off an onslaught of food snobbery with the support of the city’s high school students and homeless who know cheap and efficient food when they see it.
For your benefit, we have compiled a list of acceptable – though not guaranteed – places to eat.

For studying, we suggest Strada on the corner of College and Bancroft. Offering free Internet access and a pleasant ambience, it has managed to stay in business all these years selling overpriced lattes and hot apple ciders to college students.

Once every four years, give Adagia, Henry’s, or Venezia a try. They’re expensive, but perhaps the only places in Berkeley you’re parents will enjoy. For dating, plan to go someplace in San Francisco, Emeryville, Albany, Oakland, Piedmont…

ON THE STREETS

Unlike Oakland street people, Berkeley’s street people are crazy, not dangerous. So when a man is screaming and seems like he’s about to stab someone, there’s a decent chance that’s not the case. They’re probably the best of friends.

Berkeley keeps the homeless around kind of like pets. Residents seem to want them around, but never really want to deal with them or treat them like normal people. In fact, they compete with each other for attention as they beg for change.

Keeping safety in mind, it is important to wander when on the streets of Berkeley. You’ll probably never meet most of the people you see, or even say Hi, but if you’re hot enough, you’ll probably get creepy looks and compliments like, “You’d look great in a dress,” from random hobos.
Ladies, on the other hand, may have to get used to buying their own drinks.

MANAGING YOUR MONEY

For many students, college is the first time they have independent control over their finances. But don’t worry; we can help you handle this new responsibility with some techniques we’ve learned over the years. One trick, so secret that not even the state’s most powerful officials are familiar with it, is to spend less money than you make. This simple first step will help ensure that you aren’t paying your bills with IOUs in the near future.

If you’re from out of state, get a CA driver’s license and express your deep, heartfelt desire to remain a contributing member of the California community in order to establish residency for tuition purposes. At the same time, be sure to make plans to flee the state before you start earning a taxable income.

Also, don’t feel bad that your rent is three times as high as it might be in a comparable city. You can take comfort in the knowledge that rent control ensures that your high rent helps subsidize the cheap housing of the old man down the hall who’s been living there since before you were born. Instead, learn to cut back in other places. For instance, buying books is for people without pushover friends who they can just borrow from whenever they feel like it, and modern technology has allowed us to put all necessary nutrients in inexpensive and convenient ramen noodle form.

GETTING BY ON CAMPUS

You’ll quickly learn “Republican” and “conservative” are four letter words around here. As such, it is sometimes useful to know when and where to mention that you are one – and when not to. For example, when your professor puts up a graph depicting the national surplus during Clinton’s term in office and the national deficit from Bush’s years as president, and barely manages to control himself as the rest of the lecture hall erupts with laughter, it’s probably not a great time to bring up the fact that the deficit has been quadrupled under Obama. Alternatively, when the university fails to fly the American flag at half-staff on September 11, it’ll be up to you to remind the administration to fix it.

Just remember there are strict rules of etiquette enforced
entirely through passive-aggressive behavior by fellow students. When you need to study, the libraries can be a great place for getting work done, as long as you don’t mind the occasional nude run.

And there you have it! All you need to know about surviving Berkeley. Go Bears!

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