A well-rounded education

The Patriot proposes DE-Cal classes that are distinctly Berkeley-esque.

By Reva Alavian
From the September 2004 Print Edition

Self-Defense for Cal Students

Living in a city can be dangerous. Prepare yourself for living in Berkeley by learning basic self-defense maneuvers. Other classes will show you how to disarm an attacker, but we’ll show you more practical techniques, such as: the art of avoiding angry homeless people after refusing them your hard-earned cash; multiple methods of avoiding eye contact; and ways to avoid the assault to your ears that comes form the late night garbage can drummers on Sproul.

So You Thought You Were a Pre-Med…

You came to Cal planning on going to medical school, but realized after a few classes that it’s just not for you, right? Well you’re not the only one. What do you do now that you’ve decided to abandon the MCB major? We’ll discuss possible alternative majors, along with the best way to let parents down gently as you tell them that there won’t be a doctor in the family after all.

Policing the Police

We hire cops to protect us, but who makes sure that they do their job? That’s right, the people. Police officers are secretly out to harass minorities and anyone who does not look like they came straight out of the suburb, and they don’t worry about following the law when they do it. This class will teach you what your rights are and the best way to make life impossible for these officers. After all, everyone knows that police are the biggest threat to one’s safety, and we have to protect ourselves from them.

How To Get a 4.0

We go to the best public school in the nation, and A’s aren’t handed out freely like they are at some inferior “junior” colleges across the bay. So how do you keep your GPA from suffering? Our panel of experts offers suggestions on how to enhance your potential and pick easy classes to succeed here at Cal. We guarantee a 4.0 for you this semester! (Please note, guarantee is only valid for ethnic studies majors.)

Basic Avoidance Tactics

Highly-trained military personnel present the best methods to survive multiple-front attacks. This class will show you how to cross from one end of Sproul to the other while dodging the myriad of organizations attempting to flyer, recruit, and distribute in every space available. Advanced students will participate in the special seminar, “ASUC Elections: Avoiding Candidates and Their Lackeys.”

The Importance of Diversity

Your American Cultures class will soon enlighten you: most people are racist in America. This class seeks to remind you of this fact, and reeducate you to become more culturally sensitive of the rest of the inhabitants of this country. We will focus on hyphenated-Americans and their superiority to the 77.1% of our country who are “persons of pallor.” Area studies, examining the monstrosities that are the Midwest and South, will also be covered.

Urban Legends of the University of California

This class is seeking to dispel common rumors that have circulated around the Cal community for years, in order to educate students and staff alike. Questions such as, does parking actually exist? does the ASUC actually get anything done? and, does the university actually care about students? will be addressed, and those myths debunked.

Reintroduction to the Real World 1A: You Have a Cal Degree—Now What?

For soon-to-be graduates from our university, this class provides an important reintroduction into the real world. Class topics include: Why the Bay Area Isn’t Representative of the Opinions of the Rest of the Country; No One Cares if You Can Argue the Validity of Hegel’s Theories; and Yes, You Will Have to Get Up Before 10 am On a Regular Basis Again.

Fascism in the American State

People who say that Fascism died with Mussolini in World War II don’t know the horror that is occurring today in America under the auspices of the Republican Party. Learn about the evils of the Bush administration, and the Big Brother totalitarian state planned by John Ashcroft in order to take away your civil liberties and lock you in a spider hole. This class is only for open-minded people. Conservatives and anyone who went past a fifth-grade education may want to consider another course.

Finding Housing 101

In a country where many people are having difficulties finding affordable housing, it is important to be aware of the issues facing our population. This class will explore the biggest problems of the homeless sector of the population known as Cal students. Issues such as rent control and first-time renter naïveté will be explored. People wishing to join the class must submit a 2-page essay on why rent should not cost more than college tuition.

Calling All Patriots

Tired of being called a racist because you think affirmative action is not the best way to ensure equality? Think that being a good American doesn’t necessarily mean always agreeing with the government, but at least supporting it over foreign terrorist organizations? Then help us spread the word. The Patriot DeCal offers you an opportunity to fight back against the deluge of ultra-liberalism that occurs on this campus by putting out the best magazine at Cal, and have a great time doing it. Contact our managing editor for more details: gallais@calpatriot.org

If you enjoyed this article, please consider supporting the Patriot