I am often asked why I chose to attend UC Berkeley. "Why would a right-winger like you go to a place full of liberals?" I could respond with the standard citations of Nobel Prize–winning professors, the No. 1 public university ranking, or an outstanding football team, all of which have no relationship with the liberal student body. To be honest, I chose Cal because of the very fact that it is full of flaming liberals (though they are more like communists, which is just as fun).
The political atmosphere is a welcomed challenge. Who doesn’t enjoy a rousing debate with someone whose values are completely opposite of yours? What’s more enjoyable is witnessing a liberal Cal student lose his temper at the mere suggestion that America isn’t so bad. The level of discourse in the People’s Republic is quite different from in the rest of the United States. Here, liberals get extremely angry at things that offend them, meaning everything that isn’t to the left of Castro (which hopefully by now is another casket). We, on the other hand, are amused by the actions of our antagonists.
Quite frankly, it’s funny being called a fascist, warmonger, or racist. If you are out on Sproul reading this right now, there is most likely a whole line of people waiting to hurl a label at you because you’ve got a Patriot in your hands. But those insults get thrown around so often that they have become as harmless as a "yo mama is so fat" joke, which is also unmentionable due to its sexist nature and its penchant to additionally offend those with obesity problems.
Cal’s lefties don’t know how to laugh at themselves, which is why we are here to do that for them. Perhaps their inability to be self-deprecating comes from the fact that they have become so insulated from criticism and opposition — from early childhood, they are constantly being told how important and brave they are for hugging trees and waving signs in front of buildings. We, on the other hand, precociously grew out of our bleeding hearts and were constantly questioned for our defense of small government and a strong national defense. Because of that, we had time to solidify our values and find humor in the more outlandish reasoning that the left sent our way.
Learning to laugh off the nonsense of Cal’s leftists doesn’t come easy, however. It takes some time to develop that good-humored shield. That’s where the Patriot comes in handy. First, you have to know what to expect in the People’s Republic, otherwise you may get caught off guard by the city’s discomforting appearance and run to UCLA. James Fullmer lets you in on the big differences between your hometown and your home away from home on Page 16. After you get to know your surroundings, get to know your enemy so that you are prepared for anything that they throw at you, both physically and verbally: On Page 23, Alisa Farenzena explains how the term "progressive" doesn’t accurately define the true backwardness of liberal thought. It is merely a cover for lawlessness and violence.
The liberal propensity toward senseless violence isn’t a farfetched theory. Just ask the Cal Alumni Association how it spent its summer vacation. It had no problem organizing a trip to North Korea and ignoring the massive human-rights abuses that the country is guilty of. That, of course, is no laughing matter, but the hypocrisy of the left is certainly worth a chuckle. On Page 11, you can read about our Alumni Association raving about the fantastic time it planned to have in communist hell.
Cal is constantly providing comic relief, even when most of the students are gone for the summer. While you were out, a painfully entertaining and unscripted comedy was taking place in the halls of the ASUC, Cal’s incorrigible student government. Apparently, the election didn’t end after we voted. On Pages 8 and 9, Chris Page and Justin Azadivar retrace the post-election mess that left us without executive officers (which might have been a good thing).
If you want a real laugh, ask a liberal how he would end the possibility of nuclear war. There is a good chance that his immediate answer will involve America giving up its defenses and giving North Korea and Iran a big fat hug. On Page 20, Jessica Mintz’s column returns with a reminder that liberal foreign policy is one big joke, and that the resumption of American nuclear testing can bring a lasting peace.
Our campus isn’t just filled with liberal clowns. From time to time, it produces graduates that we can be proud of. It was five years ago that our country was awakened by tragedy and devastation. On United Flight 93, passengers took control of the plane from radical Muslim hijackers and prevented even greater devastation. One of those heroes, Mark Bingham, was a Cal graduate. On Page 10, we pay tribute to Bingham, one of the individuals who came face to face with terror and fought it head on.
You may not be entirely satisfied with the politics of Cal, but you definitely won’t be bored. That doesn’t mean you should laugh at every little thing you encounter while you are here. The role of the laughing man has already been taken by a resident of People’s Park.
Most of what you will experience, however, deserves a laugh. As long as you maintain your sense of humor, getting through the People’s Republic will be a laugh riot. So keep smiling — you’re at Cal.
Your compatriot,
Andrew R. Quinio
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