The city of Berkeley: A world of difference

The People’s Republic is not what you’re used to

By James Fullmer
From the September 2006 Print Edition

In what can only be seen as some sort of cosmic attempt at balance, Cal — the greatest public university in the world — is located in Berkeley, possibly the most terrible city in the world. Sandwiched between Richmond, the 11th most dangerous city in the country, and Oakland, number 21 on the list, Berkeley has what its admirers call “character.” In reality, these admirers have lived here so long that Berkeley’s many flaws have become quirky and unique. Remember the people who wouldn’t leave Mt. St. Helens because it was their home? It’s the same type of thing for me. 

Now, I’m an Orange County boy, and it’s during this time of year that I get nostalgic for the paradise I’ve left behind. It’s easy enough to highlight Berkeley political leanings left of Hugo Chavez, numerous street people accosting and harassing students on a regular basis, or the Bay Area’s horrible weather. We at the Patriot don’t really need to point out these observations; however, we thought we would mention a few of the less obvious reasons why home, wherever that may be, is a better place than Berkeley. So, take a moment to think about your hometown’s flairs, and brace yourself for new haunts.

Berkeley is oblivious to your existence

A friend of mine recalled how she tripped and fell while walking along the Telegraph Avenue. Not a single person stopped to ask her if she was okay, though some shifted their course slightly to avoid tripping over her. Her encounter was not unusual. I’d be willing to bet if you spontaneously combusted on the corner of Durant and Telegraph, a few people would call the whole episode “groovy” and proceed to move on. Think this is a harmless quirk? Tell that to a student who was assaulted on campus last summer. A group of Berkeley High students mugged him while a nearby student gathering did their best to ignore the whole incident. Their game of Frisbee was evidently more pressing than the life of a fellow Berkeley student.

There are no parking spots anywhere in the city

I think that driving is one of the finer pleasures in life. At home I can drive and be assured a parking spot. In Berkeley, however, I will often arrive at my destination and have no place to temporarily place my car. If I try to park in one of the school parking lots (for which a permit is only available for students living more than two miles from campus), I will be parking on the ground level, since that’s the only one. Parking lot engineers seem to have alternated between designing a parking structure and watching Wimbledon because every parking structure seems to consist of one level of parking and one level of tennis courts. The Underhill Parking Structure, currently under construction, appears to have a soccer field planned for its top (second) level. Someone must have been watching the World Cup this year.

The streets were designed for 19th-century transportation — and badly

The dearth of parking spots is intentional. I spent a year and a half hoping the city would act on suggestions to construct more parking spaces. Then a transportation planning class helped me realize the city hopes that fewer parking spaces will discourage automobiles and lead to a more pedestrian and bicycle friendly city. Although Berkeley’s narrow streets are intended to discourage drivers, the clutter of street parked vehicles, bicycles, buses, and unmarked crosswalks lead to anxious drivers. It’s hard for drivers to complete a pass through Berkeley without hyperventilating over the bikes cutting in front of drivers to make a left turn and over-aggressive pedestrians. The narrow streets don’t help anyone’s health or safety, but hey, at least it’s not encouraging gas-guzzling drivers.

Transients ask for drugs, not money

When I was very young, I remember a time when one of the two homeless people (I actually attended high school with the other) in Orange County attempted to ask my father for money. My dad offered to drive him to Carl’s and buy him a burger, but when the man claimed he wanted cash for a bus, my dad refused. He didn’t want him spending money on drugs. In Berkeley, however, the homeless do not resort to subterfuge to support a drug habit. On any given day Telegraph is inundated with transients displaying signs ranging from “Need money for pot” or “Spare some marijuana?” While I do appreciate honesty, the fact drug addicts receive as much money as the truly needy doesn’t bode well for Berkeley’s values.

Stop signs are good ways of making political statements

Most transportation planners see stop signs as a tool for demarcating proper places for automobiles to pause at an intersection. People in Berkeley, however, see stop signs as a tool for making political statements. Bicyclists are not included in this, because for the most part they never stop for stop signs and therefore, by inference, must not see them at all. After the 2004 election and the subsequent anguish, stop signs with “Bush” sprayed beneath “Stop” became a common sight. Recently, “Stop Driving” has become a more popular slogan. A guest lecturer once told my class where to buy the “Driving” stencil. And that was actually in a transportation planning class. Care to guess that night’s assignment?

Bumper balance bemusement

I made three mistakes when I came to Cal. The first was believing that jaywalking is a crime. The second mistake involved coed bathrooms, an unlocked shower door, apologies, and promises to knock next time. For my third, I thought I saw a Bush-Cheney sticker on a car. Looking closely, I discovered it actually read “Bush Cheated.” You will see plenty of Kerry-Edwards stickers. “Kucinich ’04” is another popular one, as are “What if they had a war and no one came?,” “War is not the answer,” and “Barbara Lee speaks for me,” among others. I have yet to see a Bush-Cheney sticker on a car, or even in the possession of anyone not a member of the College Republicans. Berkeley’s leftward tilt is no doubt responsible, but Kerry supporters don’t seem to realize the tackiness of a bumper sticker two years after an election.

No, you may not have fries with that

Despite its morbid lack of chain restaurants, Berkeley does have a number of excellent eateries. Service, however, in chain and non-chain establishments, leaves much to be desired. There are a few notable exceptions. Steve’s Korean Barbecue, Top Dog, and La Burrita all have quick service. However, if you go most anywhere else be prepared to make like a tree and go nowhere. I’ve waited half an hour for a Jamba Juice smoothie while the clerks unsuccessfully attempted to flirt with girls passing by on the street. Gathering and blending three ingredients in a blender proved too much of a bother for the clerks. Personal suspicions lead me to believe Berkeley secretly has French-style labor laws, where employees cannot be fired no matter how poor their performance.

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