Seven new deadly sins

The new ways you’re sinning, along with Ted Kennedy

From the April 2008 Print Edition

We’re all familiar with the seven deadly sins of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. Now, the Catholic Church has come up with seven new deadly sins, of varying levels of merit. The new sins are polluting, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, taking or dealing drugs, abortion, pedophilia, and causing social injustice. Since we have a new list of sins, let’s take a look at who’s been sinning:

Polluting

If polluting the environment is now a sin, one big offender is Senator John Edwards. Considering his estate’s contribution to global climate change and his $400 hairdo’s depletion of the ozone, Edwards apparently has a one-way ticket to Hell.

Being obscenely rich

We find it strange that this one is included in the same list as an act as heinous as pedophilia. It appears to merely be an attack on capitalism. If the Catholic Church feels that wealth is a sin, however, then it may have to excommunicate the Kennedy family.

Causing social injustice

This “sin” is the most vague of the bunch. The term “social injustice” is nothing more than a meaningless liberal buzzword. Therefore, if it’s open to interpretation, we take social injustice to mean promoting race-based preferences. The biggest offender, then, would have to be BAMN.

Taking or dealing drugs

We actually agree wholeheartedly with the Vatican’s decision to make this a sin. The left boasts a multitude of sinners in this category, from former President Bill Clinton to Senator Barack Obama to your gardenvariety Berkeley hippie.

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